Breathing Space

I took the week off this week.

I needed time to detach myself from the world, the world that does not seem to slow down or allow for thinking space. My head was fuzzy and muffled, it was confused and no matter what I tried, I could not stay focused. I felt like I was doing a lot of everything, but not a lot of anything, do you ever get like that?

I cannot say I used the week offline to get things done and/or sort myself out. No, more like I used the week off just to do nothing simply because I could do nothing, and not because I was procrastinating as a way of coping with the daily stresses of the world.

Since the beginning of the lockdown, nothing has changed for me, except from my working surroundings. I am still full time, except I am working from my partners' flat, and not in an office. He seems to excel in a WFH (working from home) environment, I on the other hand do not. I am not sure if it is because I am not in my normal working environment, and also because I am not in my own home either, so it is almost a double whammy and a sucker punch to the mental gut. Either way, I cannot seem to feel that sense of settlement or calmness that I am constantly chasing, it is as if I am a guest in my own life and ready to leave at the next call.

I had a week of binge watching, reading, knitting (newfound hobby I have taken up, all about the baby gear), eating crap, and simply chilling the fuck out. I am sitting here, admittedly a few gins in; however, I feel a sense of peace. You see, I am keen to do something with my life, I want to be my own boss, or at least feel like I am in control of my life and I do what I do because I want to - not because I have to or I am told to do so. I think most people want that sort of life, but to have that life requires something big, and a shit load of hard work and determination (unless you are filthy rich already, or eventually win the lottery).

There is a part of me that has the urge to fill this sense of purpose in my life, and to unlock my full potential, unfortunately for me, I do not have a scooby-doo clue what that is. Off the cuff, I have always had a passion when it comes to health and fitness - I even completed my PT training courses (hit me up if you want an exercise plan or nutrition advice). I was determined that was the career I wanted to get into after finishing up uni. However, because I was, and I still am a currently whopping failure at this aspect in my life right now, I could not in good conscience try to build a business and profit on such positive morals and principles that I myself cannot follow - practice what you preach and all that. Although it is one of those things in my life, or feeling should I say, that just feels right, and I truly believe that our paths are destined to intertwine eventually.

I think about opening up a coffee shop, but every high street seems to be the capital of coffee shops these days - plus I don't actually know that much about coffee, I just like to drink it, get away from the world and read a good book (sometimes accompanied by a slice of cake). Probably best I remain the customer in that scenario.

I have a master’s in business, and I work in a commercial environment. I enjoy my work, but the thing about me is that I always want to progress, I want to learn, and I want to better myself. I am the worst for getting bored, if I am not learning something new each day, I want to move on. I guess that is why I have stayed where I am for so long, every day is a challenge and I am always learning - another positive or working where I work. However, if I were to compare myself to my first day versus now it is as almost as if I have lost a little bit of me.

Before my current job, I worked for who I would class as the biggest arsehole I have ever encountered and I was 100% depressed, no joke, I was on anti-depressants and had to move back home just to recover from the experience. From that day, I promised myself I would not let anyone take away my 'spark' again. I am typically a bubbly smiling person to those that know me, but that is the great thing about being able to control your actions and persona on the outside, no one second guesses what you are truly feeling on the inside.

I have noticed recently that I have a lot more negative, sceptical and sarcastic thoughts in my approach to work than I did before, and I do not reflect upon this until often too late. Sometimes I must remind myself to take a deep breath and remind myself that we have a choice in how we choose to react to something, and I often tend to react in the positive way. I do not want to continue in this way, I love being able to talk to people, have a laugh with people and resolve issues by collaboration and not dictatorship, that has always been my methodology and preferred practice.

So where to from here? Well, I need to get organised for Monday and to do that I need to do the following:

• Prepare and write out my food diary/shopping list for this week;

• Go to shop and buy items noted in above;

• Split my work tasks out into day allocations so I have a base focus for each day;

• Channel my inner Zen and get ready to be task focused.

I have also been doing a lot of reading on changing habits with 'Atomic Habits' being the latest (highly recommend for those that are trying to change life long inhibiting habits that may be holding you back from what you are capable of). In doing so, I am trying to write out a list of weekly goals that are related to the habits that I want to practice and reinforce. These are as follows:

• Exercise 3-4 times;

• Hit 10,000 steps a day;

• Mark off food diary i.e. did I follow it, or stuff my face with sweets due to emotional stress eating? (typically the latter)

• Note down my thoughts at least every second day, even if it just a sentence summarising that day;

• Read 1-2 chapters of the book that I am on;

• Knit 2 mittens;

• Re-visit and write another blog/journal.

So, I am not too sure what the purpose of this blog is right now, I felt like I just needed to write some of my thoughts down. As I mentioned earlier, my head has felt fuzzy and confused for a while and I think just to try write some things down helps untangle it all in order for me to put it all back together. My hope is that by continuing to write and share my thoughts and progress, I can find my sense of self again, find out what my true ambitions are and eventually end up where I am supposed to be (even if that is starting my own career as Evolution Fitness).

I do not know if this will reach anyone, or if anyone will actually read this. I am actually not sure as to why I am publishing it publicly, although I hope that in time, once I have published a bit more material, things will start to fall into place and a story of progress will start to unfold. Then maybe one day I can use the material to reflect and inspire others who may find them in a similar confused and fuzzy state.